Let’s Blog About Sex, Baby
Let’s blog about you and me … and Cosmo
“Let’s share what we know. And I know a lot. Because I read Cosmo” - Ms. Breezy
Thanks to TV, movies, and Cosmo, I like to think I am an expert in love and relationships (I guess having a boyfriend also helps). And thanks to the intense sex ed class I took at church when I was a Unitarian for a hot sec, I like to think I can be useful when it comes to sex advice. But, let’s be real. I would like to know who writes the “20 crazy animal sounds to turn your man on” articles that fill Cosmo or the “show him what he’s missing” story lines that appear in EVERY romantic comedy and EVERY teen dramedy TV show. As your self appointed relationship/sex advisor, I’d like to give you some DOs and DON’Ts:
1. DON’T show him what he’s missing. He’s not missing anything, or else he’d be with you. (see: any teen drama — Beverly Hills 90210, Degrassi, etc etc for what not to do)
2. DO speak your mind. but DON’T scare anyone away with self-important monologues (see: Dawson’s Creek for what not to do)
3. DON’T let Cosmo dictate your relationship or sex life. According to their latest issue, you should touch a guy you’re into 5 times within 15 minutes to show that you’re interested. Really?! 5 times. Not 6?! What would happen if you touch him 6 times. Will he turn into a pumpkin? Will he turn gay? (for the ignorant out there, it doesn’t work that way).
4. DO ask questions. But don’t trust anyone with an appetite for television or movies. They will reference Bridget Jones’s Diary. And it won’t end well.
5. DO allow your children a sex education. It doesn’t encourage promiscuity (I promise, Mom) and it teaches useful information (Unitarians specifically teach you how to put a condom on a wooden dowel, how to win STD jeopardy, or how to have sex on a rock — those slides were…interesting)
6. DON’T trust romantic comedies. You will soon realize that all of the female characters are idiotic. But do not worry, you will still watch them over and over for years to come. (see: My Best Friends Wedding, Pretty in Pink)
Shoot me questions (but you probably won’t)